Author: JesusB
http://www.dmonik.com

     Pie is one of mankind’s most incredible inventions.  It mixes the fruity goodness of Mother Nature and the carbohydrate sugary content of the toxic sludge produced by Hostess.  This doesn’t mean I don’t trust Hostess, of course not, but it’s true that that sugary coating over the pie cake things can’t be COMPLETELY natural.  But it’s damn good anyways.  Cherries, especially.  Interestingly, natural cherries are, very often, not as good as the obviously plastic or at least mutated maraschino cherries, which will eventually achieve sentience and wreak havoc upon our pathetic civilization in retribution for years of being limited to the position of Ice Cream Sunday topping!  The whipped cream shall be enslaved and the Ice Cream itself will be worshipped as a god.  Hot dogs will be worshipped also, because of the mystical mysteriousnosity of the ingredients...  You can’t trust hot dogs.  Ever.  Not even if they look at you with those big, meaty, puppy dog eyes and say "Please, just one bite!  Please condimentalize me, O Great Mouth!"  Because however meaty those hot dogs look, THAT’S NOT MEAT.  It’s as natural as toxic sludge.  Actually, less so, since toxic sludge at least comes from this universe.  Hot dogs are a mind control device created by vicious, moving squids with more tentacles than teeth, and more eyes than tentacles.  No, not really, hot dogs are just gross.  They contain all the things that the meat people couldn’t sell off in any identifiable form.  That skin stuff, it isn’t really anything you should eat.  Wrap a steak in Saran wrap if you want it that badly.  At least you know its meat.  Hamburgers can be good.  You need more ketchup and stuff if it’s a McDonald’s hamburger or something, so you can hide the taste.  With homemade hamburgers you can eat them with just ketchup or something.  They’re too thick sometimes, though.  I think a good guideline would be to keep the burger as thick, maximum, as both sides of the bun put on top of each other.  That way, it isn’t too pink in the middle.  Keep that in mind.  Your children will thank you.  French fries can be good... as long as they’re made just right.  Undercooked fries are too starchy, and overcooked... well, you know how they are.  That’s one of the few things the fast food industry has done right.  Fries aren’t designed to be at all healthy, they’re designed to be fatty, deep-fried, over-salted cancer bags.  Yeah, fries give you cancer now.  That adds potato products to everything else in the world, including the sun, cell phones, and cute, fuzzy little bunnies.  Okay, so not really the bunnies.  Yet.  You have to wonder, with the number of things that give you cancer these days, have these things ALWAYS given people cancer... or is it something more sinister?  <dramatic chord>  Maybe... someone... something... is making things into carcinogens.  It’s possible.  Not probable, certainly, but you can never rule anything out completely.  You can say it’s been proven wrong, but that doesn’t mean it IS.  Sure the world’s round... or is it?  Maybe it’s a dual gravitational field that covers both sides and there’s a massive cover-up involving Area 51 and all those other government things.  With the number of conspiracies in the world, Area 51 must have its hands full.  I’d like to use this space to propose a bill giving money to the poor overworked government sweat office.  Anyone want to second?